It was all because I was afraid
by haruechan
Summary: The thoughts of Remus Lupin before going to Hogwart when a kid. Kind of silly (I'm the drama queen)... and really short... Anyway, please, R&R!
1. Default Chapter

It was all because I was afraid. Afraid of what I could become. Afraid of what I was. Afraid of my past, my present and my future. The things I've done. The things I could do. I still can. That's why I'm afraid. Will I be taking this path alone? I feel alone now. But I'm not sure if it's the way it's supposed to be. I have people around me. Shadows. But I can't feel myself. Strange. Probably that's why I feel this way. I have no conscious about myself. I know I'm here, I'm breathing –too bad- but I am. Or… maybe I'm not… since I can't even be aware of myself. That's why you're so afraid? Loneliness is a strange thing. I'm surrender by me… by shadows… and I'm here. But I'm not. And I'm alone. Strange.  
  
Next year will be a special one. A new beginning. I'll be by myself again, in a strange place. And I'm afraid of tomorrow. If I can't change me… if I can't think about this things… then… maybe I'm supposed to be all alone all the way home. Confuse… maybe I'm the only one that can understand this… maybe this is too strange even for me… I don't know…. I can only hope for tomorrow… without real hope that anything will be any different. I'll be still what I'm tomorrow… and next year… and the rest of my life… cursed… and alone. A strange.  
  
Thinking about it… maybe it's a good thing. Not a great thing… just good. Being alone means I can harm others… only myself… But my pain is nothing in the middle of all of it. I'm used to it. I'll get used to it. Maybe just seeing people being happy around me… it can make me happy… Can't it? I don't see why not… I can ruin many lives… I don't need this… my life can be the only one ruined… my pain can be the only pain I see… That's all I need… Strange line of thought… I'll be miserable to be happy…  
  
But let's just dream… That I could be normal… just a kid going to school, making new friends, and a new family… what's the point??? The true is I'm going to school… I'm going to pretend to be a normal kid… but I can't allow myself to have friends… a new family… One family suffering because of me is enough… I can't handle hurting so many peoples… not people that I could care, like friends… not anyone… And yet I can hurt myself… Maybe I won't count myself like "anyone"… I'm definitely different from everyone…  
  
It's strange think about it. I'm getting good to pretend a lot. Pretend I'm happy around my family… pretend I'm a normal kid outside the house… Pretend I'm a normal student at school… It will be ease, if you think like that. You just have to go on pretending, like you've been doing the last years… And be alone… still alone… Nothing is going to change, right? Yeah… I'll be alone… and a werewolf… No need to be afraid, I guess…  
  
~*~*~  
  
My first HP fic in English!!! I know it's painfully short… But I wasn't truly inspired to write this… I was at the beginning (that was written long time ago), but thinking about it, this is too depressing… I'm not like that anymore (thank God!). That's why you shouldn't expect a second chapter. This is a single try…  
  
But maybe… Sometimes I get strange ideas… well, we'll see…  
  
Sorry for the bad English… I'm Brazilian and English is far of being my native language… I tried to make no mistakes… if you see anything really bad, tell me and I'll correct (and learn what I did wrong…).  
  
That reminds me… please… really please… Review… even if you didn't like it… just review…  
  
And if you know Portuguese, try reading my other HP fic… it's longer than this… and it's with Lupin… (Nobody noticed that I love him, right?) ^_^;;  
  
Or, if you prefer Sirius, try reading other Portuguese fic, called "Anos Incriveis"… written by my best friend, B… (that I'm loving… I'll be translating this one soon… believe me…)  
  
Beijos (Kisses in Portuguese)  
  
Harue-chan 


	2. Disclaimer

WOW!!! I forgot the disclaimer!!!!! So, I'll be putting this here… (that never happened with me before…) ^_^;;  
  
Disclaimer: HP and all the names, places, facts, and everything else related to the book belong to J.K.R., Warner, and other people that I don't know… ^_^;;  
  
What I'm trying to say is… nothing here is mine, only the idea of this fic. And it's an overused idea… I didn't intend to steal nobody's material, or creations. Believe, I hate that too… But if I did that, what would happen because I was crazy/drunk/high/out-of-myself, please, just let me know and I'll fix it immediately. Again, this is an overused idea, but I didn't copy anything from other fics and stuffs.  
  
One last thing… I don't have any money… And I'm doing this fic only because I love to write. So, please… don't sue me! I'm only a student… ^_^;;  
  
And I'm sorry for putting the disclaimer as another chapter… This sucks, I know…  
  
Just to finish completely… I LOVE REMUS LUPIN!!!!  
  
(Ow… this isn't health at all…)  
  
^_^;;  
  
Beijos  
  
Harue-chan 


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